Old AGE

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

she said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to getback to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek andsettled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily,he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed."Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Save Planet

Hearing Problem

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

"That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so; He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Two Angels !

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied... "Things aren't always what they seem".
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.
After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "how could you have let this happen!? The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed,the angel of death came for his wife. I gave her the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support team: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.Please help!

Thanks,"A Troubled User"

Teacher & Student

Teacher : We should prevent mosquito from breeding.

Student : It is impossible.

Teacher : Why ?

Student : Because we cannot make such a small condom.

Less hair

Little Kid was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother.

'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until little Kid thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair.

Evolution of Human

A little Kid asked his Mom, 'How did the human race appear?'Ba answered, GOD made all of us'

Two days later this Kid asked his Dad the same question. Dad answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

The confused Kid returned to his mother and said, Mom, how is itpossible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?

'The clever Mom answered, 'Well, Son, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your Dad told you about his.'

Champu ka dukh

Champu dukhi tha

Kisi NE pocha kyon tension main ho?

Champu: yaar ek dost ko plastic surgry k liye 3 lakh diye tahe AB main us ko pehchan nahi pa raha hoon.

The Door Bell

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way, it's just too risky!""Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...
"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, andThe girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

Who help them.......

A father with his curious son of seven years was walking on a calm road. Boy observed the sex of two dogs which had finally culminated in to locking and dragging them forward.
Boy being curious asks father, “Dad. What both the dogs are doing?
Dad is in trouble. He tells the boy, “My dear son, the dog who is on the top has fractured both his front legs. Hence the dog that is below him is helping him to take him to his home. Come-on do not look at them. Hurry up”
Boy replies, “Dad is it not surprising. That simply means like men, dogs also are ungrateful and fuck to the same, who try to help them out.”

THE BOSS

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss."I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"...........
.
"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

logical but not legal

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , astudent goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is andgo. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A"for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, andneither logical, nor legal?"Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot givethe student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an"A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him thesame question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that youhave given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should havefailed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Quotations

Science without religion is lame,
Religion without science is blind.

Impress a Client !!

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeksago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner,enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being astraightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman,introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'mwaiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when shearrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?" "Sure."I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink andstarted to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.
I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Great Indian Lion

In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered notmore than 1 kg meat a day.

One day the lion thought its prayers were answered when a US ZooManager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift thelion to a US zoo.The lion was pleased and started thinking of acentral A/C environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card.

On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag,sealed very nicely, for breakfast. It opened the bag quickly but wasshocked to see that it contained only a few bananas.Controlling its anger, the lion thought that may be they cared toomuch for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recentlyshifted from India. The next day the same thing happened. On the thirdday again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.

Now the lion was furious. It stopped the delivery boy and blastedhim,"Don't you know, I am the lion...King of the Jungle....What' swrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are youdelivering bananas to me ?"

The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the King of theJungle but....do you know that you have been brought here on amonkey's visa!!!Moral : Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere .....

NEVER GIVE UP

Dealing with insult

The Buddha explained how to handle insult and maintain compassion.One day Buddha was walking through a village.

A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake.

"Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."

"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."The young man listened closely to these wise words of the Buddha. "You are right, o Enlightened One, "he said. "Please teach me the path of love. I wish to become your follower.

"The Buddha answered kindly, "Of course. I teach anyone who truly wants to learn. Come with me."

No Witness Left

A tough bank robber barged into a bank and yelled loudly with a raised gun,
"This is a bank robbery, everybody surrender”. He quickly rounded up all the customers along with wetpant
bank guard together, then rushed to the teller and asked her to fill up his bag with money, which she did.
He then turned to a shivering rounded up customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The customer thought truth always wins, so he said, ""Yes sir, I saw you rob this bank."
The robber fired the gun and bang, shot the man dead.
Then he turned to a shivering couple and asked the husband, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No, no, no, sir I did not, but this my wife, she sure did."

Quotation

Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.

D story of Parrots

A woman went to her priest with a problem.

"Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prosti*utes. Wanna have some fun?' ".

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest.But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship"

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage.

The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitu*es. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed
"Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

Computer Terminologies in Hindi

Mr Champu at sword competition

Once there was a sword competition & players from many countries tookpart in that.
From India Mr. Champu took part.

First player came from Germany.He swings the sword & cuts a very thin wire into two parallel parts.

Then comes a Japanese & he cuts the even more thin wire into two parts.

Then comes our very own Champu. He took the sword in one hand & flew a mosquito in the air.

He swings the sword over the mosquito, but mosquito flies away.
Then the judge asked "Kya Champu Ji, machhar to ud gya".

Champu replied, " Ud to gya, per ab kabhi baap nahi banega"